Tyler Fyre's Road Report

So Ron Jeremy is having sex in the bathroom and I’m getting in costume for our show in Albuquerque, New Mexico at the Desert Sands Hotel for Camel’s Sin City Tour. The show was amazing. I show up on site for load in and the stage manager tells me that I’m sharing a dressing room with Ron Jeremy. What can you say? When he walks in the door – I feel like I know him already – I mean he’s made 1,870 movies – directed 420 movies including John Wayne Bobbit Uncut. He has a 9 and ¾ inch penis and he’s had sex with over 4,000 people. Well after tonight I guess it’s 4,004 because he had four chicks in our bathroom tonight and he had a date lined up for after the show. I mean show business has been very good to me – but I had no idea.
I got two hours sleep last night after staying up eating duck and drinking moonshine at a dinner party in Manhattan – then headed to the airport for Albuquerque – and state number 43 for this year.
It was perfect – the whole idea for the Sin City Tour is old style Las Vegas – so they’ve got us in this old hotel on Route 66 – now don’t misunderstand me – I’m not staying in the Desert Sands – I’m in a nice hotel with an outdoor pool where I had steaks delivered to me and Grindergirl that we pulled apart with our teeth while lounging in the desert sunshine. I’m sunburned in October. After a swim in the pool – we got dolled up and headed to the venue. They drove us to the hotel – which now rents rooms by the week and some poor PA had to kick out all the residents and explain to them that while we were bringing in all this killer talent and putting on a kick ass show – they had to go to another hotel. Probably a nicer hotel – but still a rough job for a kid trying to make it in the business.
My dressing room that I’m sharing is a hotel room – so it’s kind of cool. It really is old style roadside sleazy. I’ve got PBR on my rider so they bring me beer up to the room and I meet the gals in the dressing room next to me – Gravity Plays Favorites – from St. Louis who met working in Larry Flynt’s Hustler Club and have created the best partner acrobatic pole dance I’ve ever seen.
I kick off the show with my safe sex pitch and then get to introduce – the man – the myth – the monstrosity – Ron Jeremy. He’s doing stand up comedy. Well we all know how well he can stand up.
The show is a lot of fun – the crowd is liquored up and having a blast – and they’ve gone all out with entertainment – bringing out the Albuquerque Roller Girls, a casino, a whole gang of gorgeous go-go girls in lingerie, Grindergirl, Black Maria, and Bucket of Weenies – a compilation band of killer musicians featuring Chester Bennington (Linkin Park), Mike Brown (TSOL), Sean Dowdell (Grey Daze), Ryan Shuck (Orgy), and Mike Rouse (The Johns). They get into a fight with the audience because somebody threw a piece of ice at them and then start dissing Camel – always a good move when you’ve just been paid $20,000 to perform.
But that’s cool – because I’m having a blast. My sets are going great and I’ve got a bigger crowd than the big rockstars. Right before they go on – I get Ron Jeremy to come on stage with me – we’re telling jokes – and he swings the sledgehammer to break a cement block on my head. He has to swing the hammer five times and then it shatters.
They got the block from an alleyway here in town somewhere. So who knows how old it was – but damn it was a tough one.
I’ve only got a few hours to sleep before I fly out to Dallas in the morning to check out the new pilot they’re cutting for the reality TV show we cut in Sturgis, SD during the bike rally with Bros. Grim and maybe drink some moonshine with my Texan rockabilly buddies.
My head hurts, I’m sunburned, and ridiculously tired – but it’s the best life in the world.

What did you do today?
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Tyler Fyre
2970 Ocean Ave. C-2
Brooklyn, NY 11235

You Rock,
Tyler