Tyler Fyre's Road Report

Hey Kids,
I'm cooking bacon for breakfast and enjoying kicking back at home if even for a few moments. The last week has been a wild whirlwind of shows. Last night I performed at a jewelrey store in SoHo for Alexis Bittar's one year anniversary party. He's this great designer of giant jewelery who started selling his stuff on the streets in NYC and suddenly he was on display at the Museum of Modern Art. Now he's got his own store in SoHo and decides - "Hey - I've had the store for a year - why not bring a fire eater to this tiny gallery packed shoulder to shoulder with people - who knows what could happen?" You've got to love it. The gallery was full of all kinds of people from old money Upper East Side ladies - to grungey East Villagers - I even met this one cat who's part of a gay rockabilly community - who knew?
But the real madness was at the New York Burlesque Festival. A whole weekend of dancing damsels strutting their stuff and partying with their pasties on. It all started Friday as soon as we got up from the Joey Ramone Birthday Bash - it was off to Southpaw in Brooklyn for the walk through. The Pontani Sisters had just flown back from Florida and suddenly it's go time to put on a weekend long festival with three sold out shows.
Friday night's show - the Premeire Party was a blast. When I showed up there was a line of people down the block waiting to get in and people out front asking, "Have you got an extra ticket?" "Does anybody have a miracle?" Just like at a Greatful Dead show. I snuck in the back door with Peaches N. Cream and made my way to the bar. It was already teeming with people and by the time the line let in - it was shoulder to shoulder madness you couldn't move at all. But why would you want to - the girls on stage are doing all the shaking and shimmying you could hope for. As amazing as the show was - the audience was pretty cool too, with burlesque beauties from all over the world kicking back - hanging out - talking carpet tape and eyelash glue - and getting reared up for a wild weekend of shows.
After the first 40 sets of dancing girls, I ducked out to a friend's apartment - Andy from Wassabasco Burlesque happens to live next door so we drank vodka and hot sauce with a handful of select showgirls before coming back to the party.
There were photographers everywhere and Monday morning somebody sent me a picture from the end of the night and I'm glad they did - because my memory of the finale is a little hazy.
But there's no rest for the ridiculous and Saturday morning I got up early to go up to Central Park and be security for Magic Brian who's been having a rivalry with the break dancers in the park. It was a beautiful sunny day in the park teeming with gorgeous women and beaming smiles - really an ideal afternoon. Turns out there were no problems that day - but just the concept of a sideshow fighting a breakdancing troup in Central Park is a great visual to get you through your day. Picture that when you're stuck in traffic on your way home.
By the time I get to walk through I'm finally pulling my head out of the hangover when suddenly I'm sucked bak into the world of the surreal as Peaches comes in painted all white with a leafy crown and a toga dressed as Gaya who's been dancing in the Earth Celebrations parade through all the community gardens in the Lower East Side.
We go home with just enough time to shower and shave - but too late to pick up my costume from the dry cleaners! And since I've been going straight through from one show to the next with barely any time for sleep - well I haven't exactly put together my patter for the show tonight either. So that's no costume and no lines - alrighty then - it's a brand new show. Let's rock.
I put on my newly bedazzled circus coat, write some jokes in the van on the way into the city and sure enough there's a line down the block once again and they're turning people away who want to buy tickets. Through the ropes and into the fray - I walk in just as the host Murray Hill takes the stage - as it happens wearing almost the same costume as I have - well as I have at the dry cleaners - there's a nice piece of luck. At the bar I discover that a cocktail is $10. Luckily - there are over 100 girls dancing tonight - so I'll find some way to amuse myself. Forcing my way through the packed crowd at Hiro Ballroom with it's curved wood ceilings and beautiful Japanese waitresses into the dressing room packed full of excited starlets in stockings getting changed for their acts. The girls get into their lingerie and we're off to the stage for the Secrets in Lace Fashion show. I take the microphone and the roar of 800 people in a packed ballroom watching me stick a condom in my nose is almost as overwhelming as the line of lucious lacey ladies in lingerie parading across the stage as I think to myself - I love my life.
The show goes on for hours and it's 4 am by the time we duck out and head downtown to the Moondance Diner for a late night snack.
Then with almost five hours of sleep - it's time to head to the harbour. This is dynamite - it's noon and we're loading in down the pier and across the gang plank onto the Queen of Hearts - an old timey paddlewheel boat docked on the west side in the Hudson River. You can see the sleep depravation taking it's toll on the showgirls and that hangovers on the high seas are going to be a cause for concern - but as the boat fills up - those glittery smiles come back - and there's a mellow excitement taking hold as we all get ready for the final day of shows. The bottom galley of the ship gets set up as a boutique with cute little girly tank tops and sequined pasties - and curiously enough a table of Lucky Devil Circus Sideshow merchandise. Then I see it - across the room - Dames Aflame from Atlanta is selling fire extinguishers with their logo. I introduce myself and tell them how much I love the idea - and I've got to have one to go with the fire extinguisher collection that we travel with. Yet I see in their eyes that they're not grasping the Tyler Fyre - fire eater - fire extinguisher connection. They keep telling me it'll look good in my kitchen and they don't see why I'm so excited about their cool ass Dames Aflame Extinguisher - nonetheless it's mine now!
The boat heaves off from the dock and out onto the Hudson River as the New York Blues Devils take the stage - and then I see her - the sexy trumpet player seems so familiar - and of course - how many sexy Asian trumpet players can there be in NYC - it's Kiku. They kick out a dynamite set and I'm fighting the urge to snack on the huge array of nibbles layed out on the table - because I'm still a little nervous about my act.
Rain pours down on the stretched canvas top and the Miss Astrid kicks off the show - it's so packed that I'm watching the show on TV monitors downstairs. Then I'm on deck - I duck out of line for a breath of fresh air in the pouring rain - and I'm walking through the crowd and onto the small rickety slanting stage - preparing to swallow swords on a moving boat. Before the show I checked out the stage that some of the girls were complaining about - it is small and slanty - but had been shimmed up with cardboard and woodchips so it was basically sturdy. Keeping positive - I said - "Oh, this stage isn't that bad - it will be fine." When one of the girls says, "Well Tyler Fyre, that's easy for you to say - you don't have to dance up there."
That's right - I don't have to dance - I'm about to swallow swords - on a moving boat.
"I do about 800 shows each year - and at each one I go out of my way to say how what I'm about to do is truly death-defying, dangerous, and deadly - well today I actually believe it."
Todd Robbins is lauging from his seat in the center of the room. The whole audience just gets it - I pull out the first sword and they're with me immediately - the energy on the boat is amazing. The audience is more than half performers and everyone's in a great mood - it's one of those truly magical moments.
The crowd goes nuts, the Manhattan skyline floats by through the grey mist of rain on the water and I'm trapped on a boat full of beautiful women.

So I walk into the after-party at Snitch, girls are dancing on the tables and the tops of the booths, past the crowded bar and the round stage, through the velvet ropes and into the VIP lounge. A wonderful girl who's throwing the party comes up to me and says - "I'm so glad you came - Can I get you a drink?" A whiskey & coke arrives in my hand seconds later and she says - "You just missed Slash - he was here right before you got here. It's great to have you here. How was your show?" The magical part of it is - I don't think she knows who I am.
We've just come from the Joey Ramone Birthday Bash at Irving Plaza - which was awesome - it's the show I've been looking forward to for months. The show sold even before the lineup was announced - and the lineup this year was dynamite and totally fresh - the only acts that came back from last year were the Bagpipers and you guessed it the Lucky Devil Circus Sideshow. I get to the venue early for soundcheck in the mid-afternoon and I've never seen Irving Plaza - or any rock venue so clean. The hardwood floors are shining and the carpet on stage is spotless. Which reminds me - I need to test the confetti cannon.
We needed a new finale for the show and I want to set off a bomb - but Irving Plaza wouldn't allow any fire or pyro effects. But my buddy Dirt from the Modern Gypsies has just developed this new prototype cannon that shoots pounds of confetti. Dirt can't come perform with us - but says we can use the cannon in it's first ever unveiling for the public. Cool - Very Cool.
But I've just loaded it up and I want to test it out before the show. And the club is sparkling clean - so when Ekaterina arrives we go out to the corner and plug into the nest of wires in the bottom of a streetlamp post. and there on the corner of Irving Place and 15th St. - we blast off the cannon. Confetti goes flying - but then it stops. I've overloaded it and it jammed. So I load it up again with just under a pound of confetti and figure it's cool.
The bands are soundchecking one after another and I'm loading our gear in. I go to squeeze into the tiny dressing room right beside the stage - and the stage manager says, "No you're upstairs this year." So I go up the narrow stairs beside the stage to the big dressing room, where The Saints are rapidly emptying the beer fridge, and on into the red room.
I just painted my hammer and drill silver before I left the house and so I put them out on the windowsill to dry. I get out my swords and the watermelon, my straight jacket and the cannon. The Saints soundcheck sounds awesome as more and more people make their way into the venue for the moster lineup of 10 bands.
Then it happens - Marky Ramone comes out and sits behind the drum kit - looking across the stage it's a who's who of rock and roll history - and out comes Ronnie Spector. She starts singing and everybody stops loading in, running cable, and tuning their guitars. The bartenders, the stage managers, and all the bands find their way out in front of the stage to watch them soundcheck like our own private show.
Magic Brian shows up along with Caution Mike and Chvad S.B. our camera crew. We run through our acrobatics in the balcony and then hit the beer cooler in the dressing room.
Showtime - Harry and the Slashtones hit the stage and we're all amped up. Brian and I get into our straight jackets then down the stairs into the wings to get chained together with 70 feet of steel chain and blindfolded so Ekaterina can drag us out onstage as the air raid sirens ring through the monster speakers. In her cute Russian accent she says, "Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to the Lucky Devil Circus Sideshow. My name is Ekaterina and I want to introduce you to Magic Brian and Tyler Fyre." She rips our blindfolds off and the roar of 1,000 people is barely drowned out by "I Wana Be Sedated."
Now we're really amped up - The Suffrajetts take the stage and we're getting the swords and the watermelon ready.
By now Matt Pinfield from MTV is here and he introduces us. After swallowing the big sword - I cut a watermelon in half off Brian's neck and it smashes down onto the stage. They go nuts and I introduce The Waldo's with Walter Lure from the Heartbreakers who played on three Ramones albums and toured the world with The Damned, The Clash, and The Sex Pistols.
I'm watching the show from the balcony off the dressing room and then The Bouncing Souls came on - and they just kick ass. A huge mosh pit breaks out in the middle of the audience and we're right on top of it looking straight down into the mouth of madness. They play their last song and a guy crawls up on stage and starts singing along - A ginormous security guy comes out and pushes him off into the crowd - then another and another and another - until the stage manager comes out and tells the security guy to chill because it's hopeless - so the stage fills up as packed as it is in the front row. They're all singing along and bouncing up and down from the stage to the back of the room in one of the greatest rockstar finales I've ever seen.
Now The Saints are up and then us. But there's trouble in Paradise - John the stage manager pulls me aside and says - we may have to cut the confetti cannon because the club wants a cleanup fee. That's our finale - so I say - look I packed it light - under a pound of confetti - it won't be that bad. Before we go on he comes back and says, "Pack it heavy - we're paying for it - so blow out all the confetti you can fit in it." Hell yes, we'll do even better than that.
I bring The Saints off stage and introduce Ekaterina who comes out bending twisting and stripping - contorting into positions that would make a cat cringe - she's killing them - and they love it. Brian and I walk out put the confetti cannon in her hands and hoist her up in the air cheerleader style - she hits the trigger and the air fills with a whiteout flurry of confetti. When the canon has blown it's load - Brian and I grab two buckets of confetti and feed it into the cannon covering the first fifteen rows, the stage and after the show I saw some up in the balcony.
It's as good as it gets - the crowd is screaming up through a wall of confetti - we throw out T-Shirts and thongs to the crowd who leap up and snatch them out of the air - and then it happens - the moment I've been waiting for since i got the lineup. I introduce Ronnie Spector - who used to dance at The Peppermint Lounge where she met her bandmates and formed The Ronnettes, before she married legendary rock producer Phil Spector who recorded all the great Doo Wop records of the era, Ronnie Spector who was backed by The Beatles and The Beach Boys, who had songs written for her by George Harrison and Brian Wilson. Now Ladies and Gentlemen - Ronnie Spector with Marky Ramone and the Friends of Joey Ramone.
I love the rock and roll crowds and the rock and roll energy. It's been so much fun to perform with all the great rockers we've been honored to meet - and this one I can even call home about - since it's someone my parents have heard of!