Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Monster and the Monstrosity
So Ron Jeremy is having sex in the bathroom and I’m getting in costume for our show in Albuquerque, New Mexico at the Desert Sands Hotel for Camel’s Sin City Tour. The show was amazing. I show up on site for load in and the stage manager tells me that I’m sharing a dressing room with Ron Jeremy. What can you say? When he walks in the door – I feel like I know him already – I mean he’s made 1,870 movies – directed 420 movies including John Wayne Bobbit Uncut. He has a 9 and ¾ inch penis and he’s had sex with over 4,000 people. Well after tonight I guess it’s 4,004 because he had four chicks in our bathroom tonight and he had a date lined up for after the show. I mean show business has been very good to me – but I had no idea.
I got two hours sleep last night after staying up eating duck and drinking moonshine at a dinner party in Manhattan – then headed to the airport for Albuquerque – and state number 43 for this year.
It was perfect – the whole idea for the Sin City Tour is old style Las Vegas – so they’ve got us in this old hotel on Route 66 – now don’t misunderstand me – I’m not staying in the Desert Sands – I’m in a nice hotel with an outdoor pool where I had steaks delivered to me and Grindergirl that we pulled apart with our teeth while lounging in the desert sunshine. I’m sunburned in October. After a swim in the pool – we got dolled up and headed to the venue. They drove us to the hotel – which now rents rooms by the week and some poor PA had to kick out all the residents and explain to them that while we were bringing in all this killer talent and putting on a kick ass show – they had to go to another hotel. Probably a nicer hotel – but still a rough job for a kid trying to make it in the business.
My dressing room that I’m sharing is a hotel room – so it’s kind of cool. It really is old style roadside sleazy. I’ve got PBR on my rider so they bring me beer up to the room and I meet the gals in the dressing room next to me – Gravity Plays Favorites – from St. Louis who met working in Larry Flynt’s Hustler Club and have created the best partner acrobatic pole dance I’ve ever seen.
I kick off the show with my safe sex pitch and then get to introduce – the man – the myth – the monstrosity – Ron Jeremy. He’s doing stand up comedy. Well we all know how well he can stand up.
The show is a lot of fun – the crowd is liquored up and having a blast – and they’ve gone all out with entertainment – bringing out the Albuquerque Roller Girls, a casino, a whole gang of gorgeous go-go girls in lingerie, Grindergirl, Black Maria, and Bucket of Weenies – a compilation band of killer musicians featuring Chester Bennington (Linkin Park), Mike Brown (TSOL), Sean Dowdell (Grey Daze), Ryan Shuck (Orgy), and Mike Rouse (The Johns). They get into a fight with the audience because somebody threw a piece of ice at them and then start dissing Camel – always a good move when you’ve just been paid $20,000 to perform.
But that’s cool – because I’m having a blast. My sets are going great and I’ve got a bigger crowd than the big rockstars. Right before they go on – I get Ron Jeremy to come on stage with me – we’re telling jokes – and he swings the sledgehammer to break a cement block on my head. He has to swing the hammer five times and then it shatters.
They got the block from an alleyway here in town somewhere. So who knows how old it was – but damn it was a tough one.
I’ve only got a few hours to sleep before I fly out to Dallas in the morning to check out the new pilot they’re cutting for the reality TV show we cut in Sturgis, SD during the bike rally with Bros. Grim and maybe drink some moonshine with my Texan rockabilly buddies.
My head hurts, I’m sunburned, and ridiculously tired – but it’s the best life in the world.
What did you do today?
You know I love to hear from you – so email me off the website – and as always
Send big checks and little panties to:
Tyler Fyre
2970 Ocean Ave. C-2
Brooklyn, NY 11235
You Rock,
Tyler
I got two hours sleep last night after staying up eating duck and drinking moonshine at a dinner party in Manhattan – then headed to the airport for Albuquerque – and state number 43 for this year.
It was perfect – the whole idea for the Sin City Tour is old style Las Vegas – so they’ve got us in this old hotel on Route 66 – now don’t misunderstand me – I’m not staying in the Desert Sands – I’m in a nice hotel with an outdoor pool where I had steaks delivered to me and Grindergirl that we pulled apart with our teeth while lounging in the desert sunshine. I’m sunburned in October. After a swim in the pool – we got dolled up and headed to the venue. They drove us to the hotel – which now rents rooms by the week and some poor PA had to kick out all the residents and explain to them that while we were bringing in all this killer talent and putting on a kick ass show – they had to go to another hotel. Probably a nicer hotel – but still a rough job for a kid trying to make it in the business.
My dressing room that I’m sharing is a hotel room – so it’s kind of cool. It really is old style roadside sleazy. I’ve got PBR on my rider so they bring me beer up to the room and I meet the gals in the dressing room next to me – Gravity Plays Favorites – from St. Louis who met working in Larry Flynt’s Hustler Club and have created the best partner acrobatic pole dance I’ve ever seen.
I kick off the show with my safe sex pitch and then get to introduce – the man – the myth – the monstrosity – Ron Jeremy. He’s doing stand up comedy. Well we all know how well he can stand up.
The show is a lot of fun – the crowd is liquored up and having a blast – and they’ve gone all out with entertainment – bringing out the Albuquerque Roller Girls, a casino, a whole gang of gorgeous go-go girls in lingerie, Grindergirl, Black Maria, and Bucket of Weenies – a compilation band of killer musicians featuring Chester Bennington (Linkin Park), Mike Brown (TSOL), Sean Dowdell (Grey Daze), Ryan Shuck (Orgy), and Mike Rouse (The Johns). They get into a fight with the audience because somebody threw a piece of ice at them and then start dissing Camel – always a good move when you’ve just been paid $20,000 to perform.
But that’s cool – because I’m having a blast. My sets are going great and I’ve got a bigger crowd than the big rockstars. Right before they go on – I get Ron Jeremy to come on stage with me – we’re telling jokes – and he swings the sledgehammer to break a cement block on my head. He has to swing the hammer five times and then it shatters.
They got the block from an alleyway here in town somewhere. So who knows how old it was – but damn it was a tough one.
I’ve only got a few hours to sleep before I fly out to Dallas in the morning to check out the new pilot they’re cutting for the reality TV show we cut in Sturgis, SD during the bike rally with Bros. Grim and maybe drink some moonshine with my Texan rockabilly buddies.
My head hurts, I’m sunburned, and ridiculously tired – but it’s the best life in the world.
What did you do today?
You know I love to hear from you – so email me off the website – and as always
Send big checks and little panties to:
Tyler Fyre
2970 Ocean Ave. C-2
Brooklyn, NY 11235
You Rock,
Tyler
Monday, October 10, 2005
Death and Destruction
So it’s really cool in the sideshow when somebody passes out during your act – we call it a falling ovation. If somebody in the audience pukes during your act – you’re guararanteed to have the rest of the cast buy you drinks – but tonight we superceded all expectations – when a guy passed out, threw up and had a heart attack while I was on stage.
Yesterday I showed up for load in at 8 am in Dover New Hampshire. We’re playing the Seacoast Tattoo Festival at the Dover Elks Lodge? And it’s pouring rain. We load all our gear on to the outdoor stage under a small tent that we’re sharing with two bands – with 100 feet of mud to walk through to get to our dressing room. And I though I left the carnival? But at least we had an indoor dressing room. With all the tattoo machines running, the power blows out the circuit with the light in our dressing room every five minutes. No big deal for us – but imagine getting tattooed and having the power keep cutting out. Oh yeah – it hurts enough and then you’ve gotta wait for it to hurt some more.
So it’s 10am in the morning - we’re almost done with setup – and I want a beer. I can’t go into the Elk’s Lodge because it’s private so I’m waiting for them to open the wooden window from the bar to the event room. But I’ve got stuff to do – so I tell Lex – Our stage manager who I just met – “I’ve gotta go tune up the chainsaw – can you bring me a beer?”
Apparently she’s never heard a sentence like this before – but as her jaw was dropping they opened the window and I got a PBR draft in one hand with a wrench in the other hand.
Our shows were awesome – the crowd was so much fun. It’s just like Coney Island – if it’s bad weather – the people who come out – come out to have fun – and they’re awesome.
We did two shows outside and two shows inside. I carved a Jack-o-lantern with the chainsaw on top of Peaches before cutting it in half on top of her as she layed on the bed of nails as the rain poured down in sheets off the front of the tent. Show two we killed the chainsaw for good. I guess it’s had a good life – I got it two years ago on the Turkey Chainsaw Massacre tour. Our truck blew a flat in Jacksonville, NC – where Camp LeJune is – the Marine Corps boot camp is. So the pawn shop is awesome – I’m checking out a whole wall of chainsaws – the dude working there keeps talking engines with me which is cool – but I’m swinging them over my head to check for balance and he’s telling me about horsepower – but I want a red one. He stopped helping me after that – but I bought a cool ass chainsaw which has kicked ass for two years.
Tonight the after party was awesome – at Asia – the local Chinese restaurant – which as it happens – is the toughest bar in town and we were swinging with some serious cats – who knew? But I’ll tell you the owner Don kicked my ass in Foozeball.
I love this town. I couldn’t believe it when I got the address after booking the event and found out that we were playing the Elks Lodge – but this place kicks ass and we’re coming back next year for sure!
Yesterday I showed up for load in at 8 am in Dover New Hampshire. We’re playing the Seacoast Tattoo Festival at the Dover Elks Lodge? And it’s pouring rain. We load all our gear on to the outdoor stage under a small tent that we’re sharing with two bands – with 100 feet of mud to walk through to get to our dressing room. And I though I left the carnival? But at least we had an indoor dressing room. With all the tattoo machines running, the power blows out the circuit with the light in our dressing room every five minutes. No big deal for us – but imagine getting tattooed and having the power keep cutting out. Oh yeah – it hurts enough and then you’ve gotta wait for it to hurt some more.
So it’s 10am in the morning - we’re almost done with setup – and I want a beer. I can’t go into the Elk’s Lodge because it’s private so I’m waiting for them to open the wooden window from the bar to the event room. But I’ve got stuff to do – so I tell Lex – Our stage manager who I just met – “I’ve gotta go tune up the chainsaw – can you bring me a beer?”
Apparently she’s never heard a sentence like this before – but as her jaw was dropping they opened the window and I got a PBR draft in one hand with a wrench in the other hand.
Our shows were awesome – the crowd was so much fun. It’s just like Coney Island – if it’s bad weather – the people who come out – come out to have fun – and they’re awesome.
We did two shows outside and two shows inside. I carved a Jack-o-lantern with the chainsaw on top of Peaches before cutting it in half on top of her as she layed on the bed of nails as the rain poured down in sheets off the front of the tent. Show two we killed the chainsaw for good. I guess it’s had a good life – I got it two years ago on the Turkey Chainsaw Massacre tour. Our truck blew a flat in Jacksonville, NC – where Camp LeJune is – the Marine Corps boot camp is. So the pawn shop is awesome – I’m checking out a whole wall of chainsaws – the dude working there keeps talking engines with me which is cool – but I’m swinging them over my head to check for balance and he’s telling me about horsepower – but I want a red one. He stopped helping me after that – but I bought a cool ass chainsaw which has kicked ass for two years.
Tonight the after party was awesome – at Asia – the local Chinese restaurant – which as it happens – is the toughest bar in town and we were swinging with some serious cats – who knew? But I’ll tell you the owner Don kicked my ass in Foozeball.
I love this town. I couldn’t believe it when I got the address after booking the event and found out that we were playing the Elks Lodge – but this place kicks ass and we’re coming back next year for sure!
